Joy - Are You Ushering It In Or Out?
I went to Montreal last weekend to visit my folks. My dad, who had a stroke in June, has been living in a rehabilitation center for the past five months.
The plan was to take him home for the weekend and I was going to stay with him and my mother to help out.
On Saturday morning, before my father's arrival, my mother expressed significant anxiety about his visit. She was worried that he would get agitated and
not want to go back to the rehab center at the end of his visit. She was concerned about what to feed him. She questioned the feasibility of having 24-hour
care right in her home. She was nervous about her ability to take care of him and his ability to take care of himself. Her gradual personal decline as a
result of Alzheimer's certainly did not help to alleviate her anxiety.
With the intention to stay by her side and keep her as calm as possible, I decided to join her on her weekly trip to synagogue. I knew that it would make
her happy and that I would be able to distract her and allay her fears about my dad's visit.
The service was in French and Hebrew. The regular crowd was there. My mother was happy in the familiarity of her surroundings and in the recognition of the
faces that were a regular part of her Saturday routine. The crowd chanted in unison at the right times and prayed to G-d for health, peace, joy and well
being. The ark was opened and the Torah was revealed.
Whenever the Torah is undressed and placed on the reading bench, the congregants stand up from their seats and quietly observe the proceedings. It is a
pinnacle moment in the service. It is a moment that typically calls for silence and attention as a sign of ultimate respect.
At the very moment that the Torah was released from its tightly rolled grip, a beautiful, vibrant little girl, approximately 2 years old, burst out with a
belly laugh that filled the entire hall. It wasn't a single laugh, it was a continuous laugh with complete abandon - a pure, joy-filled laugh that let
everyone know that all was well in the world.
In this case, no one was laughing. The congregants were horrified that such an important, spiritual and religious moment could be tainted with such
disrespect and noise. They instantly threw shushes her way and ushered her and her mother out the door to wait until the Torah reading was over.
Health. Peace. Joy. Well being.
The very thing they were literally praying for was right in the room with them and they ushered it right out the door. Is it possible that we are all
praying so hard to find what's missing in our lives that we are inadvertently ushering out our greatest desires? As a coach, I have seen this pattern over
and over - and what's interesting is that this tendency is so deeply lodged into the belief system of my clients that it's difficult for them to
consciously see what they are doing. I love it when I can find this kind of pattern in their journals and help my clients to see how their beliefs and
behaviors are actually pushing away the very things that they want. These are magical moments and are the starting point for dramatic transformations.
Instead of ushering out the joy, imagine milking moments like these and laughing right along, with complete abandon, right from your
Client Spotlight with Pat
Frame of Mind Coaching
Patrick J Bocchicchio, GRI, CRS, E-Pro
Broker/ Owner of KingsGate Realty LLC
10 weeks of coaching with Master Coach Kim Ades, group coaching, and participation in a FOM retreat
Why did you pursue coaching with Frame of Mind Coaching?
I sought out coaching because my peers and competitors were all being coached and I had just opened a new real estate office. Money was tight, and I was
scared to death. I knew things weren't working in my life, and that I needed direction. By chance, I did business with Dave Gorham, a Frame of Mind Coach
and a competitor in a nearby brokerage firm. He recommended that I try out FOM. I took an assessment online and Kim reached out by phone. Within five
minutes, I knew I wanted to be coached by her. Before she hung up the phone, her last words were, "Put your seatbelt on because this is going to be a good
What Pat learned from coaching:
-Embrace the change, because change is growth. It's very hard to surrender yourself to change, even when it is positive change. Before coaching, I had
formed a set of beliefs and life patterns that followed me around. It was very scary to leave my comfort zone and embrace new thoughts and ideas.
-I learned that I had a significant belief that prevented me from running a profitable company. Before coaching, I was way in debt. After coaching, I
turned my loss into consistent profit.
-I learned how to be more present and more aware. I learned how to recognize the little miracles in life. It's a process. You have to recognize the small
things in your life before you can naturally recognize the big things. What's amazing is watching the small miracles grow into big ones.
-I learned how to love myself and forgive myself. I used to go to church every day and beat myself up. I would suffer, because I always felt guilty and I
never forgave myself. Kim challenged me, asking "Is that what you really think God wants from you?" When I go to church now, I feel like celebrating.
-I have a completely different mindset than I used to have. I am less frustrated at work. Even when I face hurdles, I have more confidence that I can work
through them. I make sure I am not stuck in the mud for long. It's amazing how much one person can accomplish with a focused, powerful mind.
What was the hardest part of coaching?
The hardest part of coaching was being 110% honest with myself and with Kim. Coaching brought up difficult memories that were painful to work through. To
really get to the root of things, I had to be brutally honest. It was hard work.
What was it like getting coached by Kim?
Every week was magical for me and I knew I was changing as a person. I decided to write Oprah to tell her about Kim and Frame of Mind Coaching. I'll never
forget describing Kim as the Dalai Lama - as someone compassionate and intuitive. Kim has a gift of identifying where you are and what you need to work on.
What advice would you give others thinking about pursuing coaching?
For anyone thinking about coaching - just do it! Don't wait to save the money because it will never happen, just do it and do it now. Commit yourself to
ten weeks to change your life, and your kids' lives. You will find true happiness and learn to love yourself so you can love others and be loved.
Do You Challenge Yourself Enough?
When was the last time you left your comfort zone? When was the last time you dared yourself to do something really crazy?
Last week, I challenged myself to run a six mile Halloween race called the Monster Dash. I joined hundreds of other runners, all of us in costume, and
together we ran through a spooky forest after dark. The experience was unbelievable...and it made me think - I need to do things like this more often!
The problem is, we don't always allow ourselves the chance to have amazing, eye-opening experiences. We pass up opportunities to try new activities we
might not be good at, go on trips we might not like or meet new people we might not jive with.
Here's how we can start pushing our limits more:
Visualize Where You Want to Go
Make yourself a vision board or a bucket list. For your vision board, cut out magazine pictures or text that inspire and excite you. Look for images that
represent the things you want to bring into your life - and the things that make you say "I'd love to do that!" Paste everything onto a Bristol board and
hang it up where you can see it. For your bucket list, buy a bucket and cut out thin strips of paper. On each strip, write down a different desire. Don't
censor yourself - write down everything, even if it feels out of reach. Once you complete a goal, tape it to the outside of the bucket.
Stop Putting Pressure on Yourself
Remember - you don't have to excel at everything. Accept that you might not do new things all that well. If you're trying out a new recipe - it might flop.
If you're trying out Bikram Yoga - you might struggle with balance. Enjoy the experience without expecting yourself to be perfect. And don't let the fear
of failure stop you from trying something new in the first place.
It's nice to have a support system when you are breaking your boundaries. Invite your spouse, a friend or family member to join you on your adventure. With
the two of you working towards the same goal, you will feel more motivated and accountable for your actions. If you can't find anyone to join you, find a
team or group that supports your desired goal.
Stop Making Excuses
Is that little voice inside your head saying "I'm too old for this?" "I'm too busy for this?" "I'm too scared for this?" Instead of saying "I would like to
do this, but..." try saying "I would like to do this, and..." It can help to write down your obstacles and address each one of them individually.
Say Yes When You'd Rather Say No
Dare yourself to go on adventures you would normally shy away from. Do the very things that scare you, and you will feel a remarkable sense of
accomplishment. Each time you try new things and step out of your comfort zone, you grow incredibly. If you've ever been to an improvisation class, you may
have learned the golden rule: Always say YES. Try living up to this rule. Approach the world with an open mind. Let down your guard
for a while! At the very least - you will make some great memories.